Archive | November, 2012

Yearning to be a Mother

12 Nov

I sit here crying, just to have my hopes of adopting a child dashed once again. I have such a heart for children. I know a lot of women do. I just feel like it’s my mission; it’s my life purpose to adopt. I’ve dreamed of having my own orphanage one day.
I can see children of different races and ages running around & playing. They are all laughing & having fun. The smiles on their faces are priceless.
I know that Jesus is supposed to be the only one that can fill the empty holes in my life. This spot that yearns to be a mother is the hardest to let Him fill. The heartache and pain of knowing that I may never know what it’s like to be a mother. My heart just breaks in two every time I think about it.
I just found out I may not be able to adopt due to the fact that I deal with depression & anxiety. I can understand they are taking the child’s welfare into account. I don’t understand is that gay couples get to adopt every day or even single parent households.
I’ve been taking my meds for three years with no side affects. With God’s help, He has helped me to heal & overcome some things from my past. Why do I feel like I’m being “punished” because of that? Why do I have such a yearning to be a mother if I’ll never get to experience it? So many questions, with no answers right now.
So many women are blessed to have children and they don’t even realize it. If only they could “walk in my shoes” for one day, I really believe more women would realize how blessed they are. There are many women like me out there-not able to have children for one reason or the other. So many of us yearn to be a mother; to give a child a loving home and treat that child as our own. God has adopted us which is why some of us feel the call to adopt.
So many emotions that we go through on a day to day basis. It’s almost like mourning for someone. Except, this person you’ve never had. We go through all the stages of grief.(denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance). It’s a daily struggle with envy & jealousy, too.
Every time a pregnant woman passes, you know you’ll never have that experience. Some days, just passing through the baby section at my local Walmart, is a chore. I say to myself, “I’ll never be able to buy anything like this.” When I see children laughing & playing, I yearn to have children in my own back yard running and playing. I long to see a child crawled up beside Tracy in his recliner, both of them fast asleep.
All I know is that I yearn to be a mother. I feel I have so much to give. I’ve worked so hard; with God’s help, to heal. Now I feel like its all for nothing. Will this yearning ever go away?