Archive | February, 2013

Living Through the Darkness

26 Feb

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but agains the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

As most of you know, we recently experienced some losses in our family. On January 4, 2013, I lost my grandmother. On January 15, 2013, we lost Tracy’s daddy. Tracy also lost an aunt and his best friend lost his great aunt. It just seemed like death was hovering over us. We kept wondering who was next.

The loss of my grandmother and Dad caused my depression and anxiety to spiral out of control. Actually, I had been depressed for a couple of months, I just didn’t realize it. I started looking back and realizing that I was losing interest in things that I loved doing: reading the Bible, praying, and writing. I didn’t want to do anything in the house. I just stayed in front of the tv or playing games on my cell phone. I didn’t want to deal with what was going on.

After the two deaths, once again I just felt like I was in darkness. I’ve only felt like that one other time in my life. That was when I totally surrendered my life to Christ in late 2009. Even though, others tried to tell me the positive, I didn’t want to see it.

I wasn’t too sure about my grandmother’s salvation. I never heard her mention or talk about God. I’m not going to judge her because she made have made her peace with God before she passed. I knew where Dad was going without a shadow of a doubt. It still didn’t help my heart. I felt like someone took a part of my heart and jerked it out of me. Through time, I had grown very close to Tracy’s parents. Especially since I made Jesus my Lord and Savior. God helped me to see things through His eyes instead of mine. My heart just broke into pieces when Dad passed away.

I felt empty. I felt like God was so far away. The sadder I felt; the more the darkness crept into my soul, heart, and mind. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I started pulling my hair(called trichotillomania); which was caused from the anxiety of the situation. I just fell deeper and deeper into despair. I just wanted to shut myself up in my house; away from the world. I heard Adrian Rodgers say yesterday, “When you’re depressed, you’re a sitting duck for Satan.”

Even though, I had lost faith in God, I still continued to go to church. I just wanted to go to church and stay home. I really didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn’t find the strength to pray or read my Bible. I felt like God was so far away. That He had forgotten about me.

I made an appointment to see my Christian counselor. Tracy went with me. He knew I was at the end of my rope. She suggested I try another medicine. She texted a doctor to make me and appointment as soon as possible. In the meantime, I just wanted all the hurt and pain to go away.

Depression can play with your mind. I started wondering why I was here. Why did I have to go through all this pain? I asked a lot of why’s. The more I asked why and the more depressed I got; the more I’d pull my hair. I would get so nervous that I would feel like I was shaking all over; from head to toe.

I finally heard from the doctor. I had an appointment for the next Monday. I couldn’t wait. I was desperate. I knew I needed some help. I counted down the days until my appointment. It couldn’t get here fast enough.

It finally came time for my appointment. I thought I was never going to find the place. By the time I made it to the office, I was shaking and nervous. I kept wringing my hands. I couldn’t stay still. The doctor asked me what was going on, and I told him. He prescribed me a medicine to go along with what I was already taking. He told me it would take a few weeks before it’d kick in completely. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I don’t like to wait. I wanted it to work immediately.

The following Sunday, I was at church talking to some other couples in our connect group, and I started shaking again. I just felt so out of control. I got my mom to come out of her class. I just fell on her and cried. I asked, “Why won’t this go away?” A couple of other women came out. They all ended up praying with me.

It’s been three weeks since I started the other medicine. I’m feeling better day by day. The anxiety is still there. I’m staying away from caffiene. I don’t need anything else to add to the anxiety. I am back to reading my Bible and praying. I do alot of praying for myself right now. I’m praying and asking God to help me with my anxiety. I’m asking Him to show me the root of it. That way, I can bring it to Him, and I can place the burden at the foot of the cross.

I also started trying to eat better two weeks ago. A friend of mine recommended exercise to help. I know the exercise helps me to sleep. My counselor suggested that I find something to do with my hands: a stress ball, crotcheting, knitting, etc. I can also journal.

A lot of people have been praying for me. There for awhile, I didn’t know if I was going to make it or not. I was ready to give up on God. Day by day, God is helping me live through the darkness. I have to remember that I will experience spiritual warfare. That my struggle will be against the spiritual forces of evil until I am at home in heaven. I just have to keep praying strength for the ongoing battle. Like someone said, “Satan is not after those not living for the Lord because He already has them. Satan wants those that are living for Christ.” Like the Bible says, “he’s seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) With God as my strength and helper, Satan won’t have me. I want to make it to heaven so I can praise Jesus for all eternity.