Archive | July, 2013

I Will Keep Fighting

3 Jul

I’m not going to lie. The last few weeks I’ve felt like I just didn’t have any fight left in me. It has seemed to be one thing after the other since last August. My emotions have been like a roller coaster.

In October, I started pulling away from everything. I pulled away from Jesus, my family, my friends, & my husband. I didn’t want to do anything. At the time, I didn’t realize I was sinking back into my depression.

One day just rolled into another. I didn’t go much out of my way to do anything. Tracy had to tell me to do some housework. I just didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to lose myself in the games on my phone.

In January, I lost my grandmother; then 2 weeks later I lost my father n law. It seemed now that my whole world was turned upside down. I sunk deeper into my depression. I drew even further away from everything. I didn’t even want to get out of the house. The only place I did want to go was church. For some reason, I needed safety. That’s where I felt the safest at.

I felt really down and really low. Things just seemed to get worse. I was crying all the time. I had lost interest in everything.

Then Tracy and I started having marriage problems. We both had problems trying to see things from each other’s perspective. Tracy couldn’t understand why I was depressed and had anxiety. I couldn’t understand why Tracy didn’t understand. I felt like our marriage could fall apart at any second.

I felt like everything was my fault. I didn’t feel loved or wanted. I told Tracy to leave me. I felt he deserved someone better than me. I felt unattractive because of my hair. My hair pulling (trichotillomania) had caused a bald spot on my head. I had even lost my will to live.

I felt like God deserted me. I felt like He dropped me off in a desert to fend for myself. I felt hurt and alone. Thank The Lord for my counselor and my Bible study leader. Also, for another friend, that tried to encourage me to stay in the Word(the Bible). At times, I’d just cry and beg God for His help. That’s all I could do.

Well, fast forward to today. Day by day, I’m feeling better & better. The trichotillomania has subsided a lot. I just have to remind myself to keep my hands out of my hair. I’m feeling better about myself. God doesn’t make junk. I was made in the image of God, not myself. I am trying my hardest to change my self image of myself.

No, I’m not perfect. I do mess up. I do sin, daily. But Jesus lives inside of me. When I mess up, all I have to do is ask forgiveness. It’s hard to wrap my little finite mind on the forgiveness of such a loving God. Especially, when it seems like I keep doing the same sin. I just keep asking Him to help overcome it. I just have to remember that I have to crucify my flesh of its passions & desires. I have to take up my cross daily.

I will continue to fight. I know Satan wants me to give up. As long as I live & breathe, with God’s help, I will fight. For God is my strength, He’s my fortress, He’s my shelter and my help in time of trouble. I know that Satan would love to devour me. I’m NOT going to let him have me. I will fight to my dying breath. I will fight to the death; even if I die for Jesus. I know that God will give me strength to stand-Phil. 4:13.

Satan is real. He will do what he can to get you distracted. He can make us suffer spiritually, physically, & mentally. So, you better be prepared to fight. Read your Bible and pray. This is your arsenal of weapons. Fight until you feel like you can’t fight anymore; keep fighting some more. God is with you on the battlefield. He WILL help you.