Struggling with Infertility

    As I get older, I begin to wonder if I will ever have children. I’m really trying to search out God’s will for me in that area. It’s just so hard for me to search God’s will instead of mine. Infertility can really wreak havoc on a woman’s life. Sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to happen. I wonder if it’s even God’s will for me to have children. I feel less of a woman because I’m not able to have children. My biological clock is ticking.  I’ve been seeing on facebook where women have lost their babies due to miscarriage. I can’t imagine the pain they are facing of losing their child. I’m sure they can’t imagine the pain I have of not ever being able to know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside of me. Most days I do pretty good with this; only with the grace of God. It just seems so unfair. So many women don’t realize the blessing of being a mother or being able to get pregnant.

    Sometimes, I wonder why God lets these things happen. Sometimes, I ask, “Why me?” There are so many women that get pregnant that have abortions. Women that have children in a lifestyle that the children don’t need to be in. Some women leave their children for others in their family to take care of. It’s like, why does God even let them get pregnant? Just like, women that I know that would make great mothers because they are grounded in God and their faith losing their babies. Why does that happen when so many women are just “throwing” their children away? Most of these women have no desire to be a mother. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance in their life that they got pregnant. They want to get rid of the “problem”; one way or the other.

 

    I know and understand that God has a plan and God has a reason. It doesn’t make it easier for me to understand. I’m just being truthful with my feelings. So many times, I hide how I really feel. I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s hard for me to be in a department store and walk by the infant section. It’s hard for me to go to baby showers. It’s hard for me to say that I can’t have children. The true stories of Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and many other women of the Bible touch my heart. Sarah was so desperate that she let her husband lay with another woman. It was even hard for her to believe in God’s promise to her for a son.

 

    Right now, I’m not going to lie. I’m not able to see God’s plan in all of this. I know it will be all for His glory. It’s just hard for me to hear right now. I do hope this will lead others to get their stories of their struggles with infertility or miscarriages out there. I just want God to show me how to use this for His glory.

 

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